2014 was a hell of a year in the sports world for Douchebags. Thanks to the 24 hour a day news cycle, we had a steady stream of sports news crammed down our throats. With Twitter (@thechief58831), Instagram, Facebook, and the litany of other social media options out there, it’s impossible to avoid all the crap – it is impossible to avoid the Douchebags.
That said, it takes a special kind of person to be a big enough Douchebag that everyone knows about you, and not in a good way either. I was looking over the sports news stories of 2014, and while rehashing the BS we sat through, I was able to easily come up with a list of the Top 10 Sports Douchebags of 2014.
I made an effort to not use someone’s criminal record as a reason for including them. You’re welcome Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Oscar Pistorius, and all the other athletes who were arrested this year. I also didn’t want to include players just for mistakes they made on the field.
To qualify for this list a person would have had more than required media attention for something other than their sport. I am not trying to say the people on this list don’t have talent, most of them do. I’m not even trying to say that if I were in their shoes I wouldn’t act the same way; I would. Ladies and germs, our list of Top 10 Sports Douchebags of 2014:
10. Joe Buck
Ok so maybe it’s not the best idea to start the list off with a personal grudge, as I happen to be a long time Kansas City Royals fan. This season was by far the greatest Royals season I have watched in my adult life. It was a thrilling, an unbelievable playoff run culminating in a World Series appearance. The Royals lost in a hard fought series against a team with a better “Ace” pitcher; so be it. Joe Buck makes this list for his never ending verbal barrage of love towards said “Ace” Madison Bumgarner and his Giants. Buck fell into the easy routine of ignoring the small Midwest team and gushing over the bigger market team. It’s like it was the “Giants Show,” guest starring the Royals. I can understand leaning towards the team winning the series, but Buck was leaning all the way to SF. Joe Buck makes the list for his horrible game calling ability in general. I am happy the Chiefs generally are on CBS, so I avoid Buck most of the NFL season at least.
9. Michael Sam
I would like to say that his sexual preference has nothing to do with him making this list. Unfortunately, it has everything to do with it. I don’t care what he does in his bedroom, I don’t care who he does, boy or girl. He is a fringe NFL prospect with a limited skill set for the pros. So why do I have to see him on draft day, why does Oprah want to make a documentary, why is a fringe player who might not make a roster being reported on every day? If his sexuality doesn’t matter, then make it not matter. He didn’t have to agree to the interviews, the live in-home cameras, and the publicity. He played right into all the attention.
8. Aubrey Graham – AKA Drake
Drake is following in a long line of rap/R&B singers wanting to be in the NBA world. Like Master P before him, Drake wishes he was part of an NBA team. But, Master P actually had game. He even played for Drake’s own Raptors in 1999 while Drake was prepping to attend Degrassi High. Drake has successfully parlayed his acting career into a music career. He is now trying to parlay his music fame into a spot in the sports world. Drake has become the global ambassador for the Toronto Raptors. So why did Drake make this list? Why not? He gets to help rebrand the team, it’s image and clothing just because he’s famous? Shouldn’t he have some sort of background in this and not just get the gig because he is “cool” and from Canada? When did anything cool come from Canada outside of Avril Lavigne??
7. Josh Shaw
Who? I might have to remind you. This happened early in the year. A courageous football player form USC heroically jumped from a balcony to save a young boy from drowning. In the process, he broke both his ankles causing him to miss the start of the season. Only, none of that ever happened. Josh Shaw did break his ankles but it was allegedly jumping from a 3rd floor balcony of his girlfriend’s apartment. Police were called to the scene after a woman was heard screaming, but no arrests were made. Something must have happened for a guy to try to pull off a story like that. Either way, I know enough to put him on the list for 2014.
6. Donald Sterling
You might be asking yourself “How the hell is Sterling only #6?” Well stay tuned: if this asshat is only #6, you know we got some real douche bags coming up, starting with this class “A” asshole. Sterling finally got what has been coming to him after all the years of douchebaggery. His transvestite looking girlfriend recorded him saying some not so nice things about black people. “Donald is from a different age, and time. He is not up to date with the technology mumbo jumbo.” Great Googely Moogely. He just wanted to pay a woman to make his wiener go boom, boom, boom. How was he to know this dude, Er, I mean woman was going to record his old man, racist rants.
5. Roger Goodell
I really wanted to put Roger at 6, and make Donald round out the top 5. The more I thought about it though, Goodell is just too much of a Douche. Sterling was just an idiot old guy, Roger can’t get out of his own way. I said I wasn’t going to use crimes as a reason to put players on this list, I will use them to put Roger on the list. Goodell epically botched the Ray Rice ordeal, and then lied about it. He still pretends to care about player safety while pushing for more games, and expanding the Thursday night slate, requiring faster turnaround time to play. Now, I know he is just the figure head for the 32 billionaire NFL owners, and he isn’t doing anything that they all don’t want done. Which is what made this clip with Champ Kind at the NFL Honors, where Goodell is visibly uncomfortable, so sweet. It would take too long to point out all of them so I’ll let the mouth piece take the rap. You shouldn’t feel bad for Roger either. He made $44 million in 2014.
4. Jameis Winston
Where do we begin with this kid? He has multiple reasons to be on the list for 2014. We won’t even hold the rape charges against him:
– Jameis was arrested for stealing King Crab legs early in the year.
– There was an incident with him leaping to a table and shouting “ F*** her right in the P****” in the middle of a crowded student center.
– 100’s of his autographs showed up on the market from a dealer with sequential serial numbers on the items.
However, Jameis denies taking any money, and ever signing them for the dealer. Sounds like bullshit to me. Jameis has been groomed for “Mega Douchedom” for his whole life. He has always been the biggest star wherever he goes. He has been given everything he wants his whole life and never has to hear the word NO. I have a feeling his Douchebag ranking is on the rise.
3. Justin Bieber
If you look up Douchebag his picture is in the dictionary. He should be on every list of Douchebags, no matter the criteria – you find a way to include him. The only reason he isn’t #1 is because he doesn’t actually play a sport. Who doesn’t want to punch this kid in the face? I don’t even care that supposedly he works out & trains with Floyd Mayweather. It seems like every other week we get a picture of this dickhead in the locker room of some pro sports team. He has taken pictures with the Stanley Cup, in the Steelers prayer group, and in the Patriots locker room with Gronk (Gronk was considered for this list). Why? Why, does this kid get attention? He has no talent, his music is digitally enhanced, and he pays for his songs from other writers. It seems he is only famous because he is a sex symbol to adolescent girls. He could at least be humble and know to himself that he is a lucky kid riding the wave, but he has bought into the hype. He believes this shit. Check out this video from a deposition; he thinks he is above everything. What a Douchebag!
2. Johnny Manziel
Oh boy, where to begin? Johnny Football didn’t become #2 on the Top 10 Sports Douchebags overnight; this was years in the making. Manziel has been a front runner for the top spot all season long, but fell just short of #1. I feel sorry for Cleveland. They are a good fan base and have been waiting for a QB to get behind for years. How do you get behind this guy though? From day 1 he has been unrelenting in his quest to be the #1 Douchebag. Either it’s the money symbol, the parties, or the bathroom coke lines. Maybe it’s the attitude, or the work ethic. It might be the constant media attention he gets from being friends with everyone from Drake, to Beiber, to Lebron. All of those things add up to making him Johnny Douchebag in my book.
1. Floyd “Money” Mayweather
I know the rule don’t hate the player hate the game. Mayweather has played the game to near perfection. He is a self-marketing genius, and knows how to work the system. If I had the funds he has, I’m pretty sure I’d make this list also. #TMT makes the list for his numerous acts of Douchebaggism that most of us wouldn’t do. Here is a list of headlines from 2014. Floyd was live on face time while his friend killed his wife, then he went courtside for a Lakers game. Later he paid for the murderer’s funeral. He tweeted pictures of his ex’s abortion record. He is friends with Justin Beiber. Recently there was an incident regarding PISSING in Saks 5th Avenue; not on it, IN IT. If I had cash, yes I’d be a Douchebag too. I wouldn’t be an Asshole though.